A Cell Phone and My Technological Inept Life

With the notable exception of purchasing my firs CD player, I'm not exactly technologically au courant when it comes to gadgets. No, I'm not a tech fiend or trendsetter.

Take my cell phone for example. To me, a cell phone means a portable device that allows you to go farther than a traditional home version. It's for making and taking calls. Nothing else. I don't need my phone to ask me if I need fries with my next call.

Just retrieving messages on a landline is a trying experience for me. Dial this. Dial that. Enter your code. Listen. Delete. Erase. Store. It's too much. Voicemail over a cell is just as bad.

Anyway, I purchased my first cell phone recently. Yup, it took me 34 years. My brother-in-law - he who can't stand to see people stuck in the Dark Ages (typically meaning being one-year behind; He once belittled a man for not having a dishwasher) bestowed upon me my first, bulky cell). My best friend who didn't need his anymore (since he was moving forward with a newer version) gave the second one I ever owned to me. All I had to do was assume the plan. No fuss or muss. And so this is how it's been for nearly a decade.

The biggest complaint against me is that I don't answer the phone. Excuse me if I'm not married to my phone. Nor am I one to have one go off in the company of people or in various public spheres. Who am I? The President of the United States?

Years ago I went out for drinks with a friend of mine. We had been friends since elementary school but by the last couple of years she had changed noticeably. That night, we barely spoke. Her phone kept ringing. Couple this with her always getting up to go see some acquaintance of short term value, it made for one annoying - if not insulting - night. It takes a certain amount of patience and understanding to be around social-butterflies with a communication weapon.

Back to the real story. So, I bought a cell phone. Ever notice how people tell you 'congratulations' after you buy one? Why? Because I did my bit for consumer society?

Backward caveman tendencies notwithstanding (love those GEICO commercials), I was aware of what cell phones can do. I have too many friends and family members who flaunt latest technologies in my face. It was impossible to not be aware. It hasn't been lost on me that cell phones are mini-communication kingdoms now. Is there anything these suckers can't do? It's a rhetorical question geek. No need to answer.

That night I sat down to get to know my phone better. I opened the user guide and noticed it was 101 pages. Hey, I read 'War and Peace' no sweat, right?

Wrong. Seriously, it was too much. The symbols. The options, The menus. Lord, it overwhelmed. I felt the weight of a thousand psalms crush my chest. I even called my local University to see if they give classes on Cell Phone Use. I expected my phone to grow arms and begin to cook my food. Laugh, it won't be long cells will transform themselves into Rosie and Bender.

Sure, you feel like a genius as you play along with the bible manual pressing buttons while you sit half-cocked with your spine out of place. However, as soon as you get up to get a snack all is forgotten. Everything is muddled as you try to figure out the maze known as your cell phone. I stare at it like I stared exams I was about to fail in school. Remember those? Yeah, not a good feeling.

Ask me to dissect, discuss and put into context 'The Inferno' and I'll have no problems. Ask me to operate and wield a phone most normal individuals can and I'm about as nimble as Shaquille O'Neal.

I bought. I read. I studied. I experimented. I memorized. I did not conquer.