Max: Going Places Unemployed

Today I was out buying swiffers when I passed by not one, but two people on those motorized wheelchairs that look like ATV's. Man, those suckers are evil. All equipped with Goggles Paesano helmets and orange flags you get out of the way for those sons of bitches. Freakishly, ever notice how they always have a basket with a dog in it? One of them had a poodle. I hate poodles.

The other day Jeebies and I had to go pick up a friend at somebody's house. We ended up staying for a while. Big mistake. There's nothing I hate more than a big stupid awkward ugly looking Marmaduke slobbering on my threads. "Don't worry, they're cleaner than us!" is the usual lame come back. No, they're fricken' mutts, as far I'm concerned. I don't like human contact, so what makes them think I would accept dirt-infested paws touching me? What bugs me more is that people find this perfectly normal. Not everyone likes to be tackled by Dino. I ain't Fred Flintstone that's for fricken' sure. I'm always tempted to kick the motherfucking life out of a dog that mauls me in front of their master. You know, just to get a reaction.

Anyway, to make things more irritating, they had an annoying dumbass 4 year-old kid. He had such a stupid face. "He's so calm. We just love him." What passes for calm to them passes for something else to us. "No," Jeebies says under his breath "he's just dim-witted." No kid that calm can escape being as dumb as a sack of plastic. With the pulseless wunder kid next to us, Jeebies opines to me later when no one is around 'How could anybody love this kid?" Seriously.

We were rotting on Jeebies couch when his mother decided to drop by. She wasn't impressed by the showcase in laziness before her. "Jeebies, why don't you get up and experience things?" she asked. "Each time I try I get overwhelmed. What the hell do I need to go to India for when I have TV to take me through the stench-ridden streets of Bombay?" He continued. "Besides, I hate tourists here. Bumbling around with their maps, littering our streets with their cheap Eurotrash attitudes. I don't want some other person in some pointless and irrelevant country thinking the same of me." Let's chalk this one up with missing the point.

1 comment:

  1. Horrible, but I laughed. I think that sometimes of other peoples' kids, but it's never the passive ones. Just the mean ones. The other day I saw a three-year-old trying to stomp on a puppy's tail and thought to myself "Well there's the country's next serial killer."


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