Dear Mr. Iran

Dear Mr. Iran,

How are things in Persia, eh?

I hear, see and read that letters are all the rage these days. Michael Moore pens so many of them with such limited use and gustoI nonetheless felt compelled to write my own.

Well, that's not exactly true. My secretary, Joan, is actually writing it. She just loves her PTM Milano ink pen.

I'm not sure what to say in response to your kind but odd letter. I'm not sure if you're joking or for real. The lines are so blurred now between fact and fiction, reality and the surreal that it's so darn hard to lead sheep let alone people. Sometimes I wonder who the hell wants to be a leader except for narcissistic buffoons bent on holding power over others.

Hey, check this out. The other day I was in a local grocery store and my wife told me to go get a carriage since it was going to be a 'mother load.' I hate doing that because I always end up getting a carriage that has the jammed wheel. Sure enough that's exactly what happened. But I was determined to stick with it no matter how many times I ran into an aisle.

Anyway, have you noticed that the price of cantaloupe remains persistently high? Is it the same in Iran? What fruit do you guys eat over there? Do you catch reruns of 'Happy Days?' Is it true the white stripe on your flag symbolizes 'peace?' Do you have any problems with illegal Mexicans?

I hope you you guys get the bomb - ha, ha!

It's been great talking, er writing, to you. Please know that I work hard and will respond to any other letters you write to me. Take care and don't let anyone think that you are not doing right by your country. Only you know. But I would sleep with one eye open if I were you.

Take Care, your pen pal,


PS: I dreamed that I was having sex with a stranger free of any particular gender who spoke a foreign tongue - probably Farsi. It kinda spooked me. I consulted my 'Dream for Dummies' pocketbook to find out what the symbolism may have meant. It said that I may be 'integrating the character traits of that particular culture and racial consciousness into my personality, or allowing new more exotic parts of yourself to surface.' Wow! Maybe that's why I've been telling my wife 'turn over you American pig. Allahu akbar!'

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