Goggles Paisano is from Montreal

Remember Goggles Paisano at the Indianrockolis 500 on 'The Flintstones?' Wild driver he was.

Now, I don't want to seem harsh or anything, but are Montreal drivers arrogant and short attention-spanned lunatics? Driving in Montreal is like living in a survival of the fittest fish bowl. Indeed, a perverse social Darwinism prevails on our streets these days. Everyone drives like they are under siege and you are in their way. Cut or be cut is our unwritten motto. It is interesting to note that on the U.S. Department of Stat website, the government warns Americans when traveling in Quebec of creative Montreal driving.

A couple of things may begin to explain the phenomena. One,the construction zones in this city, already operating in a poorly planned urban environment, are ubiquitous and terribly indicated. This just makes people nervous. Sometimes I feel like I spend my day in a labyrinth of detours - like Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.' I could be driving along the Inferno known as the 40 Metropolitain highway (the Trans-Canada) and out of nowhere will be a roadblock without warning. Worse - AN EXIT ON THE LEFT SIDE. Or exits located on the same level of off going and on coming traffic!

Add to this mixture the reality that Montreal isn't exactly the most civil of places when it comes to driving and you have one stressed out driving culture. We are legendary for our hostility on the roads. Heck, the lines on the street that signify a cross walk goes right over our heads. If there aren't any spikes in the road we aren't heeding.

My observations, all based on perceptions of course, have led me to conclude that we are mad. Mad as in impolite mad. People - snap,snap - need to be and get somewhere. Everyone is more important than you.

Perpetual construction, poor urban planning, weak sense of civil respect, a cynical army of youths and a multiplying amount of old folks on the road all leads to one word: "Argghhh!"

But Montreal is not the only city to have traffic problems and we are relatively free of the 'road rage' syndrome that seems to exist elsewhere. Still, it does not give us the right to drive like we do. Here are some examples of road no-no's I have come to observe:

The loss of the art of utilizing turn signals (aka flasher or le flasher or le maudit clignotant). I don't get this one, it is a remarkably easy and simple tool to use. You don't have to reach into the glove compartment to use it. It's right there next to the steering wheel and is an action of civility when properly and patiently used. It helps people gauge their positions. Note: Does not work well once you have already made the decision to cut into someone's lane. My personal favourite is when someone arrogantly sneaks in front of you with half a flash. I have sometimes witnessed two cars merge onto my lane at the same time. They come in and just at the right moment they repel each other without incident.

The yield sign means reduce speed as you merge. Not in Montreal. It means speed up and the double solid lines on the ground means you have the right of way. The other guy is always in the wrong even if it's his lane and right of way.

Lanes are there for a purpose. This one is especially difficult for young professionals and students who yap on their cells or are applying make up. Since these Vishnu-drivers are focusing on other things rather than driving they tend to weave in and out of lanes. Lane discipline is crucial in avoiding accidents. Note: Just because you put your flasher on does not automatically grant the freedom to squeeze into a spot that is less than a car length. The person who occupies the lane to which you are attempting to steal has no obligation to let you in. Sometimes I wish my wheels had blades so that I could cut a car down.

Tailgating with cars is a little more dangerous than doing it with beer. Tailgating is an art for the fool. It is not uncommon to have someone speed up your rear. So, don't try and be the tough guy and stay in the way. After all, how do you know if the person is not being chased by aliens from Panet 9? Move over and quietly move back in. If the person, for some odd reason (and this is also common) follows you into the middle lane and continues to tailgate you, politely give that person the stare. Or a look of complete disbelief. I once had a woman tailgate while talking on her cell. As she blew past me I noticed she managed to sip from what I assume to be her coffee mug (magic botox potion in drinkable format?) with three kids in the back. Nice.

I have also noticed the casualness to which we approach red lights now. Yellow generally means speed up and don't be a sucker getting caught on a red. While stops signs, last I checked, are not optional. The first who blinks misses his right of way. I once witnessed someone simply ignore the stop and stare into my eyes with a "I am me and you can't tell me to stop" look. Recently, after doing my time at a red light it finally turned green, no less than 5 cars went through the red signal. Some were turning others just cruised right on through. It was surreal.

The government is experimenting with right turns on a red light in Montreal. Where the pedestrians don't have the right of way. Like most rules here, it will be entirely subjective. Montreal has a fast and aggressive approach to driving. Before we institute new road privileges, perhaps we should conduct a new study on the psychology of Montreal driving. Only then can we logically proceed to introducing new rules.

Until then, if you are a pedestrian with the right of way, I suggest you look four, not two, times before you cross.

Goggles Paisano would fit right in.

Note: It is impossible to find a GP pic on the Internet for some reason.