How My Hockey Pool Explains Democracy

"Democracy is such a messy thing. So speaketh Zeus. Not from Olympus but somewhere in the Mid-Atlantic.

This comment conjured up experiences in my hockey pool.

Stated in our "constitution" are the rules and regulations of the pool. It's a handbook of three pages enumerating policy. Yet, we never stop arguing about it.

One of my deals got nixed because the person who I made the deal with reported it ONE minute late. In the last two years we've done nothing but argue, chastise and quibble about semi-serious issues to downright frivolous ones. All it took for one guy to interpret every single trade and action by the letter of the law and it spiraled into a tit-for-tat, no compromise atmosphere.

"Fellas, fellas, fellas! Remember the policy?! It clearly stipulates..."
"Yeah but, I don't remember being clear minded when we wrote it!"
"But...but, but..."
"Waiter!  I'll have a beer!"
"To quote Frost, 'Is too much for the senses, too crowded, too confusing - too present to imagine."
"Should I take Doughty this year?"
"People, we have to make a decision can you focus?"
"Commentator, will you vote on my side?"
"What's in it for me?"
"A beer."
"Shit. Yay!"
"We've haven't begun voting."
"So. Do we increase the number of injured reserve spot from five to six?"
"That's what this is all about? For one spot?"
"If we don't do this I'm splitting and taking my pencil with me."
"Sit down, Mac."
"Bonjour, mon nom c'est Pierre. Est-ce que je peut prendre ta commande?"
"Oui. Ammene-moe la bierre dans une bouteille, niaseux."
"Depalma is losing his patience."
"Guys, we've talking for over 40 minutes. Can we start the draft, I have a family to feed."
"Yeah. Who goes first?"
"I dunno.Weren't we supposed to change the rules and pick out of a hat?"
"No. It's based on last year's standings."
"Yes, but we agreed to change that."
"The policy says nothing about being adults and changing rules."
"I say we base it on who can say the most vulgar thing and get the waiter to choose."
"He speaks French."
"No, he can speak English."
"But he won't get my Taxi or Fritz the Cat references."
"Meh."
"I'm hungry."
"Yes, honey. I'll be home very soon. Guys...seriously..."
"Whipped!"
"You calling me a wimp?"
"You said it not me."
"Enough! I say we pick out of hat!"
"Why not a tuque?"
"Arghh!"
"I take Tavares."
"Sezwho?"
"Because. We're sticking to the old rules or else it'll never happen."
"You. Pick."
"What a dictator. I thought this was a democracy."
"Tavares."
"Stop making a mess the salsa is spilling over onto my draft magazine."
"Next. You have thirty seconds."
"Hedman."
"We're lucky we have a policy, huh? Would help to read it though..."

I never get involved in these debates. Ok, once but I realized I was up against a force greater than the evil bastards from the Politburo. Since then I delete most of the arguing and when we meet to discuss them at our annual draft I just make my decision on the spot once a poolster pleads their case spitting up pieces of cheddar over nachos.

I hate cheddar. Actually, I can only eat certain types of mild cheeses. I don't digest dairy products all that well. In fact, I've always hated dairy products; especially milk. I've had bad experiences with milk. Once, in grade two, a substitute teacher forced me to drink sour milk for some reason. That taste has never left my mouth. If I see that bitch...To this day I remain paranoid with milk always smelling it before I give it to my kid, herself not much for milk. She was breastfed for one year. Not sure why I had to mention that.

What I'm trying to say is I have to buy the good stuff. I have to pay the $10-$15 bucks for a slab of real Parmigiano-Reggiano, not that processed "Parmesan" crap. That shit kills my stomach. Yes, if you shop for cheese, make sure it doesn't have the word "Parmesan" in it. It's a knock-off. Not unlike the knock offs on Canal St.

What I'm trying to say, originally, is that democracy really is messy and no matter how hard you try to jot down the intentions, its spirit will forever be interpreted and reinterpreted to the point we all don't know what to think or what we're saying.