2012-11-20

Performing A Civic Duty

The Commentator is now a national treasure. I believe an Order of Canada is, erm, in order.

Meh. The way they seemingly lightly throw awards around these days why not me?

What in Spider Man's web am I talking about, Willis?

***

Driving along a lonely - well it was a school zone in a high-traffic residential area but work with me here for effect - boulevard whistling to Pink Floyd's Mother, while listening to a show talking about how to make semi-salted butter, a midget with crazy eyes came out of nowhere brandishing a gun and a hostage! Only the hostage was with....loss of life!

Oh, the horror!

Actually, I saw two female police officers (one black, one blonde - for you liberals obsessed with race breakdowns) running coming onto the traffic. They stopped the car in front of me but moved on...to me.

Out of breath and clearly looking for someone (I doubt they were searching for doughnuts), they politely asked - in French of course -  if there was space in my Jeep to take them down the street.

Tossing some magazines to the back seat I said, "Hop on, bitches! Let's ride this bitch!"

In my head.

But I did throw the mags.

Police officer (from back seat notices porn mags from 1986): He's a winner.

Police officer (in front seat): Take us down this street, please

T.C.: You bet. Anything you say.

Police Officer (listens to CB). Change direction. Where's the closest Jean-Coutu (pharmacy)?

T.C. (blank stare).

At this point, I'm saying to myself, my one chance to do good and it'll be ruined because I can't remember where the Jean-Coutu is. Idiot.

Police officer (still out of breath): Please take us up to Roi-du-Nord. We're sorry about this.

Munching on sweet and salty popcorn I bought at Loblaws I asked, "you want me to speed or something?

Police officer: Yes. Don't worry we won't give you a ticket.

Ah, that famous police humour I've been looking for all my life!

T.C (touches picture off Ned Flanders on dashboard): Okaley-dokaley, policearinos!

T.C. (to self): That'll show, Maude.

Police officer: Are you ok, sir?

Vrrrrroooooom!

Speeding down a street with two cops in my truck it was time to catch the bad guy, or girl. I dropped them off not too far from where they originally entered my truck. Which sort of makes the 60 seconds seems somewhat redundant. They jumped out and ran. I actually followed them. They nabbed some kid. I was disappointed. I was hoping to see a shoot-out or some shit. No midget, no nothing.

I shrugged my shoulders and went back to my truck. Sometimes heroism goes unnoticed or rewarded.

Wonder if they would have accepted an offer for a threesome.

Off I went. This time within the speed limit.



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