Taking A Stand Against The Wind

It was a windy day. One could say a very windy day. If I had hair it would magnificently confront the mighty wind creating a manly image for all to behold. It was, alas, not to be. Given the absence of hair on top of my head, the wind's majestic swirls' n whirls was free to find another source to crash upon.

I sat, as air spoke to my scalp, eating a banana in a park facing a lovely man-made pond. Geese and ducks splished, splashed their way around. I fed them day old kamut bread. They seemed to enjoy it. How do birds process sugar? At least, I think it was a banana I consumed. It may have been a hamburger.

He popped up with a grin plastered across his face.

"Commentator? Is that you?"

"Do I fucken know you?" I politely replied.

"It's me. Peter-Paul-Pilon!"

"PPP? Purchasing power parity?"

"Purchasing power parity?"

"Don't know a PPP."

"This will jog your memory."

He flashed one of his nipples. A guy we knew in high-school who had no nipples. It was crazy creepy. I hadn't seen it in over 20 years until now.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"What you been up to?"

"Eating."

"No. Like, for all these years."

"I make shoe laces."

"Yourself?"

"I guess."

"What kind of laces?"

"Is this going anywhere?"

"Guess not."

"Who are all these loud mouth fools?" I asked.

"They're with me."

"Jesus. Why?"

"We're going to stop the wind."

"Stop the wind. And how in the world will you do that?"

"We want to stop the wind because it carries all sorts of contaminated dirt."

"And?"

"And, hello, it's been linked to all sorts of bad stuff like bad breath, bad speech, bad cancer, bad etc. Plus it contributes to man-made global luke-warming."

"Is that what they're calling it now?"

"Yeah."

"How can wind be man-made?"

"Not the wind. The shit embedded in the wind is what we want to stop from touching people. Wanna come with?"

"I think I'm going to turn my back on all this."

Just then, Triple P put on a vest that looked like an air filter. I asked him what it was.

"An air filter. It's the best way to catch the junk. Smart, huh?"

"Brilliant."

"Too bad you don't want to save the planet."

"You seemed so sensible back then. When did you go awry?"

"Well, you won't believe it but it's because of you."

"Me?"

"Remember that infamous handball game when you smashed my face with the ball?"

"Nope."

Writer's intrusion: I sucked big time at handball.

"You called it the Lithuanian Lob. It was more of a missile. It was a strange name to give since there were no Lithuanians in school. Plus, the Soviet Empire was still standing and thus Lithuanians didn't exist. But then communism took it in the ass. I can't believe it. I can't believe capitalism won. How stupid are people?"

"That can't be measured."

"You know it."

"But, how was it my fault?"

"Soon after something changed in me. Deep in my gut, you know?"

'Who says it was an accident?"

"Funny guy."

Just then someone called out for Triple P. Her agonizingly deep and annoying voice was penetrating my temple with the force of a Mr. Burns punch. Her perfect tits were practically protruding out.

"Peeeeeeeeeeeter! Come on. We have woooooork to do!"

"I gotta go. It was great seeing you!"

I turned around and continued eating my fruit cup. The wind was as beautiful as ever despite the ruckus behind me. The ducks in the water seemed to enjoy it too. 

I closed my eyes, smiled and hoped the wind would carry atomic energy and  incinerate PPP and his bizarre band of bozos.