Biden In His Own Words

What are you a junkie? I’m Corn Pop. Corn Pop is no socialist scum. If you don’t vote for me you ain’t black. You ain’t nothing but a…a….where was I? Where am I? Oh, oh yeah. I killed fiddy men as I told Hank’s wife. I know me and….and….the girl there running next to me. K-mala. Yeh. I’m tired. Where’s my Adirondack chair and lemonade? It’s hot in here. Yeh well, those rioters this is all on Trump. Just by that hair cut he divides this country. 

Laugh but it’s true. You know what I’m talking about right? Asians all look and laugh alike. Those cute giggles. I sure find Asians purty. Unlike Latinos who aren’t as homogeneous like those homo blacks who all think alike. We kept them in chains and they know straight up who to vote for…CORN POP. 

I won't defund the police. Come on man! I will redirect funds instead! I was tough on crime just Kamullah. Together we stand by the police and defund them!

Don’t you worry, I’ll be tough on the Chinese. I’ll make sure the NBA gets a better deal with them and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure we (meaning me…Corn Pop) get a nice cut of that new Silk Road…..I need a pair of silk slippers to go with my satin pyjamas. There sure are a lot of pretty girls out here today….hey, is that you Jim? Stand up! Oh sorry, you’re in a wheel chair. Never mind. Come see Corn Pop later I’ll fix you up with better wheels…..The Constitution is an amazing piece of paper and this is why we need to burn it…..it has to be destroyed to save it. Corn Pop and Kahamalala will write up a new one, right Kamahala?

I didn’t rape-rape those women. If you keep saying that I’m going to cut you. I’m kidding but not really. I’ll cut you. Oh there goes my wife kicking me in the shin under the table again. She always does that. I love you….you. I’ll also punch anyone who doesn’t agree Barry wasn’t a well-spoken negro who knew his place. Me and Barry made sure Bin Laden was killed and GM was saved because GOD DAMMIT THAT’S HOW CORN POP ROLLS. He’s made by America, for America and with America and every other kind of America. White, brown, black, green, yellow….Not yellow. I ain’t yella. I’m Corn Pop. I twist your nipple so hard you’ll scream Irish Spring and then for your Irish mommy. 

My stance on education is simple. CLOSE IT ALL DOWN. None of that Charter school crap. We don't want choice! We want...the thing there. You know the thing that.... Do leaning by them computers. I don’t give a damn. Black kids are only almost just as smart as white kids so they won’t miss much. Is this thing on? My God, I don’t even know anymore. I told my aides I want a mega-phone. I feel I can project my Corn Pop cred better that way. I’m a good old Scranton Corn Pop I tell ya…..I’m lonely sometimes. Not sure why I’m even running. Why I’ve been in government so long I don’t even know what I stand for other than Russia is hacking my brain. America has one choice. Corn Pop. I’ll fix you good.

Will I lock down? If the science says so I will. If science says to wear ear muffs to block a virus well by the power of Grey Skull you do it. You FOLLOW THE SCIENCE. Don’t give Corn Pop none of that eugenics lobotomy stuff. Lobotomies weren’t so bad. So wipe that smirk off your face when you ask me about science. I'm so fucking love science it would make your head spin. Know who doesn't follow science? Donald Trump. He couldn't follow a scientist if one came up and gave him a blow job at a Waffle House at 5am after a hurricane. 

I’ll make you yelp so bitchy you’ll sing Irish lullaby’s in falsetto. You’ll wish you’re a starving Irishman crying in a potato sack. Got that? Masks are a symbol of humanity. Greater than the Crucifix or a welfare check. We should always be in masks. Masks in the shower. Masks in the pool. Masks in the bed. Well, Corn Pop may make an exception in the bed if you get my drift. Corn Pop is all business in bed. But it’s back to masks in cars. Masks in a park. Masks everywhere because it’s not about your feelings man. This virus is real….am I real? This room suddenly feels dark and wondrous. Do you feel the wonder? Covid-18 kills an awful lot of folks. I heard over 100! Could you imagine losing 1 million people to this virus Trump personally allowed into the country because the wall was pourous? Because of his wall obsession and racism, 2 million Americans are dead!

Corn Pop knows. Trump doesn’t care but I do. Corn Pop doesn’t want your guns. The Democrat party does. As head Corn Pop, I’ll make sure your guns are not not confiscated with a mandatory buy-back. Get a double-barrel shot gun. Shoot in the air for all I care. But we’ll take that too. As for trannies….lemme tell ya story about trannies…..