Post This

My wife, the Significant One, the gal who determines many leisure activities, is one of those people who leaves post-it notes all over the house. Why, even as we speak the little, quaint country black board is splashed with, "Have a good day, love mommy!" I know. Nauseating. I want to draw a falling angel decapitating human heads as he descends into hell.

But I can't draw. It's all for the better or else my daughter would be in and out of psychiatric wards for the rest of her life.

In the past, she'd leave a trail of post-its with some cute message. At one point it was like I was being stalked.

"Commentator?"
"Why do you smell like coconut-mango-ginger ale?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"We're talking now."
"No we're not."
"Hey, look at this mushroom. It looks like two people embraced in a sexual position."
"How come you don't respond to my post-its?"
"Uh, 'cuz, like, it's retarded?"
"It's my sign of affection for you."
"Bend over,I'll show you affection."
"We never talk properly! You're impossible!"
"I'm impossible. Take a look around the house. Does it strike you as normal I still haven't removed all the post-its you leave behind?"
"My parents did that all the time.My father would leave my mother's notes up for days!"
"Yeah, I know. I took one down."
"What?"
"Oh please. "Love you, take out the chicken, chicky? I couldn't eat anymore at your parent's house"
"Is that why you stopped coming?"
"Post-its on the faucets. Post-its in the vestibule. Post-its on the grill. I couldn't take it anymore. Your family's civility was beginning to creep me out."
"Oh, like your family is a model."
"Never said that."
"You guys don't even look at one another and then either begin to argue of engage in endless comedy routines."
"Don't say you didn't like the 'Cooking with Liberace from the grave' routine."
"The first time I sat at your table your brother walked in after waking up, asked for breakfast, sat down and waited five minutes before asking, "who's she?"
"Well, you were a stranger. I brought home many girls. To him you may have just been another Commenator groupie."
"Point is you don't know how to express affection."
"Infection?"
"Affection!"
"Bend over..."
"I know, I know. Forget it. I knew this was a mistake?"
"It's what my mother says all the time. Each and every day."
"I know. She tells me too. And I'm beginning to agree with her. It becomes a full time job defending you."
"If you take me to court I want to go on People's Court. I think I can work Judge Milian."
"I have to go buy rice milk."
"Where's the post-it?"
"Good-bye. And tonight...play by yourself!"

*Slams door*

"She'll come back."