Let's Fix This Thing

Kathleen Sebelius promises to fix the heathcare.gov website.

Obama and Sebelius enter website war room which the President calls 'rooooom' for some reason.

"Let's fix this thing!"

"Yes. Mr. President!"

No one moves. He sits down.

"No, you stand" he tells Sebelius.

"Bring me my thinking beanie!"

"Here it is Mr. President."

"Okay. Now give me some tools. I need TOOLS!"


"What's this?"

"A keyboard?"

"Now, we're cooking."

Rolls sleeves.

"Bring me a Slurpie.  A big, badass motherfucker one."

"But Mr. Bloomberg sez..."

"I don't give a shit what he says! I'm the President and best you mind your biz-ness, son. Now git."

Punches letters and plays with keyboard.

"I see. I see."


"What do you think, Mr. President?"

"Tell you what, Kathleen, that's a lotta squirrels in there."

"What should we do?"

"Throw stuff at it. Here lemme show you. You take a dollar and you throw it at the screen."

"This is fun!"

Everyone in the room stare in confused disbelief.

"In the meantime what do we tell the people?"

"Don't worry about that. I think today I'll blame the private sector and if that doesn't work whining about the Republicans and Rush Limbaugh never fails."


/Sebelius leaves office clumsily bumping into furniture and people. Obama continues to stare at computer screen. In a low but forceful tone he mutters to himself.

"Where are you you critter clingers?"

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