Learning To Distrust Government

"Hi, I'm Todd. From the government. I'm here to help."

/girl at door faints. Todd catches her. He winks and stares back at the camera and lunges to kiss her.

"Ew, what are you doing, Todd?"

"I'm taking care of the children."

/Gives Mr. Roper smile at camera and lunges again.

"Get off me! You're not my type!"

"Whaddya mean! I bring peace, order, regulation, fairness and justice to all - well, some people but that's besides the point. There are limits, you know!"

"Well, I like less controlling men in my life!"

"Oh come, baby. You know you want it. We all can't be trusted to do the right thing. We're here to, you know, guide you along. In the right direction. By "right" we mean our direction."

"And if I don't comply?"

"Oh, we're confident you will."

"How?"

"Oh, let's just say we have our methods."

"You sure say "oh" a lot."

/lunges again. She pushes off.

"Very well. I will have to cite you."

"For what?"

"Not, erm, not doing your fair share."

"Excuse me? This is my home and you're intruding!"

"Really? Your home, huh? Did you "really" build this? I mean, look at the street in front of you."

"What about it?"

"Did you build that?"

"No."

"Exactly. So this is not "technically" your house."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Look, what difference does it make at this point?

"A whole lot. We work hard for this house."

"I'm sure you do. Off the backs of poor people."

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

"Hm. Come to think of it. I may enforce eminent domain. I think the government can make use of this lot. Here's a cheque."

"This equals 30% of the value of the house!"

"It's a good deal. You should take it."

"A good deal for you!"

"Hey, we can split hairs all we want and all day long or we can braid hairs all night long if you get my drift.

"You're disgusting. I'm married."

"Right. I'm tired of all this obstructionism."

Pauses.

"So?"

Slams door.

Next day.

House bull dozed. Todd passes by. Looks at woman and then the lot.

"Such a shame. Such a shame."

"You ruined my life!"

"Yeah. Whaddya gonna do? Oh, I know what. Here's some cash. Don't tell anyone but it's from my boss. Let's just keep it a secret."

"Oh. Okay."

"Hey, you said "oh!"

/they share a light chuckle.

"How does this work?"

"We're putting up low-income luxury Homecare condos for people ruined by the free-enterprise system. Why don't we just put you up here? Fees are cheap since they're mostly paid by taxpayers who so lovingly give up their income for such grand, noble projects. That way, I can send you this cash every single month! All we ask in return is your blind support. Win-win!"

"Oh..."

"There's that 'oh!"

"Okay. I guess. I never took from others before. Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, I was pretty self-sufficient before you came along."

"Now who's being naif? Who's gonna bring you that clean water, honey? Who's gonna protect you from those evil extremists? Who's gonna tuck you in at night, huh?

"You are?"

"You bet your god damn little asshole, I am. Now here's your bib with you number. Don't lose it."

"Fine."

"Best you remember. I'm your friend."

"Wanna come inside and help me break in my new pad?"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? It'll be my pleasure!"

/winks and laughs at camera.

Fin.