A Day In The Life Of T.C.

So my life goes something along the lines of...

While I'm on the phone with Paypal, I observe my wife pitifully struggle to cut a lovely slab of prosciuttini I bought for her. "Really?" I ask annoyed.

As I speak to the agent, I slice her nice pieces respectful of the Italian cold cut. I get off the phone and pour myself a glass of bourbon with a splash of lemon and ice. I decide to watch a Louis CK bit (or two) on youtube. My wife joins in but warns about not putting it too loud lest the little one hears or comes out. 'Nah, she's totally absorbed in her activity' knowing full well I had no idea what she was doing in the room. My wife is unimpressed and adds, 'Your daughter has Bat-ears'. Which is true. Her hearing is scary good. I thought she was done but she continues, 'Unlike you.'

Yes, this is also true. I don't hear very well. I especially have a hard time with background noise interfering. Moreover, it's a bitch having to distinguish letters that sometimes have similar sounds like 'p', 'f', 's'.

Buy my eyesight is fantastic. I can peer into the soul of any person like few can.

I exaggerate but you get the picture.

I'm just good at sniffing out commies. Those bastards.

And bitches.

Wouldn't want to discriminate.

I digress.

Unsurprisingly, my daughter explodes onto the scene asking questions, making demands, and being a general pill.

'Shut it off!" my wife tells me.

Rather than close the tab, I pause the video and pick up the lap top to walk away. While I walk through the hall way my daughter for some inexplicable reason takes a sudden interest in what we were watching. I think I hide the screen but, like a hawk she reads out loud, 'You can cum more if you drink milk.

I mutter to myself, 'fuck'.

'Mommy, what does you can cum more if you drink milk mean?'

We try the tactic of ignoring because we're speechless.

She repeats, 'Mommy,  I want to know more about you can cum more if you drink milk.'

Her mother scrambles on in gibberish tones 'it's vomit now go get your homework and these are the psalms to burn.

I wait until our kid leaves the room.

'Vomit and psalms. Awesome.'

'You never learn'.

'She didn't read anything she won't learn in the school yard.'

She looks at me as if I just pulled down my pants. Which is a different stare back I usually get.

'I'm going to shower.'

I look back at the girls.

All back to normal.

For now.