What follows is a semi-true story garnished with embellishment. Like most of history when you think of it.
My delightful and lovely love slave with week-end privileges is heavily invested in the life of Jon & Kate Plus 8. She watches their daily activities - insofar TLC will take her - with high intensity and even concern. Better to be invested in that than Chrysler, right?
Me? I don't get all the interest poured into the show. They gave birth to eight kids. Big deal. Wait. I mean, good for them. It's an amazing thing to A) give birth to eight bundles B) raise them to the best of your abilities and C) find time to go to the bathroom.
I've no clue how I'd handle it. Bathroom time is my time to catch up on some sports stats. Making eight Nutella sandwiches on kamut bread would be a daunting task I assume.
More to the point, I don't like one bit what the show does to our sex, erm, conversational life for 61 minutes. I can't even make small talk while she watches the trials and tribulations of complete strangers. It's like, "honey, save that kind of focus for the cartoons"!
Tonight was the "big" one hour (and 14 minutes) season finale (I think) of Unit 10.
It so happens I had nothing to do between 9pm and 10:14pm.
Guess what? I was a pain in her breast.
"Babe".
"Babe".
"Babe"!
"What"!
"I bought some old fashioned hash browns today".
"Babe".
"Babe, did you hear me? I said..."
"I heard you. I'm watching the show".
"Stupid show".
Pout. Stomp feet. Sigh.
"Do you have to do that"?
"What do you care what I do with my nose? You're watching Jon & Kate. Heaven forbid I interrupt you while you watch Jon & Kate"!
"Don't you have to go read some 50-page essay on liberty or something"?
"Nah. Did that. Did you iron my Laverne & Shirley's boxers and Lenny & Squiggy underwear"?
"I never watch any of my shows in peace. Why do you bother me? Do I bother you while you watch Joo-ventus play soccer? And it's Laverne & Shirley. Singular".
"Joo-ventus? It's pronounced YOU-ventus. You-ventus".
"I don't care. My point is you're childish and rude".
Continues watching the show. I try to keep quiet but I can't let this go by without a correction.
"For the record, I'm an AC Milan supporter. After 10 years I think you should know this".
"Whatever".
"I mean, I went to the San Siro to watch Milan not Juventus. Get your facts straight".
Ignores and continues...watching show. Naturally, I break the silence.
"Oh, she's so phasing him out. They're done"!
"Don't make me tell you off".
"But I have something to tell you".
"What"?
"I noticed you bought a new bag of green beans. I hope you're aware there's still half a bag of mixed beans".
"Are you for real"?
"I just don't want...them...you know...going to waste. Starving kids in Bolivia and such".
"Great I missed that segment. Talk to me now before the commercials end".
"I have nothing to say".
"Good".
We watch the last commercial in silence.
"Commentator"!
"You like"?
"Put your pants back on! I can't believe I hitched my ride with you and your ADHD tendencies".
"It's hot down here. Let's do the Tonga".
"I can't take it"!
"It's not that hideous".
"No. Them. It's not the same anymore".
"Don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously"?
"Oh, no. No way".
"Fine. Be that way. But you could be using your time to learn the capitals of the world".
By this point, it's more than just being a nuisance. She's beginning to think up ways to leave me in the middle of the night. So I back off.
"I'm going to write about this on my blog".
No response. Kate is talking.
Sounds like my daughters watching their soaps or the Dog Whisperer.
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