Max: Week-end Edition

I was reading the news today. I'm a bit of a history and political junkie. One article went out of its way to remind us that the world still hates America as revealed in a recent poll. Fuck polls.

To steal a term from today's fatalist hipster - whatever. I'm sick and tired of reading about what Hinjee Rubarb, Al-Barfkatouk and Sven Gorby think about the USA. I love it when they lecture Americans about their own history. After all, in case you haven't noticed, Americans are soooo dumb. They need a good dose of Canadian hoserism in them. Yet, yet it's the Jean-Pierre Vichy's of this world who clamour to America's shores. "Death to Amerika! Psst. Do you know anyone who can get me a visa into America?" For now, America remains Rome and will so for quite some time. They're so far ahead on some many fronts the truth of this fact would spook the world.

I went to a well-ness center. I figured that it can help to mentally set me straight. I took in a massage to alleviate muscle and tendon pain in my chest area suffered during a tennis match.

Now, I'm not much into the Buddha-Middle-way-Ganesha--Dharma-Mokhsa-Karma-Yoga-Gandhi-George Harrison thing but I'm always open to new things. I hoped for some nam bread but was told it was not that kind of place. So I asked for an espresso. None was forthcoming.

Oh my lord, the freaks in that place. It was like a Doug Henning festival. Everybody was smiling and friendly. It was creepy. All these people were missing were clown costumes and meat cleavers. Needless to say, things didn't start off too hot for this hedonite.

I finally get into the massage room and I meet with an obviously so gay guy. I'm cool with it. It just gets weird when they start rubbing all those oils on you so that their hands can glide all over your body like your some cheap skank. Add to that racket known as "calming" music (sounds of the forests Part II: Coyotes prey on gophers) and you can't help, especially if your are utterly immature as I am, but giggle. How the fuck are 'sounds of the forest' supposed to calm me? All I could think about is Teutonic barbarians fighting Roman soldiers in Germany in the 2nd century.

Later, some annoying Gianni-Tesh-like (or whatever the fuck is his name) sounds began to complement ocean waves hitting the beach. I'm gonna do my own recordings- woodpeckers working on a tree; seagulls eating baby turtles, dolphins penetrating a shark's head and eating it from within.

As I sat flat on my face staring into the ground watching this guy's ugly toes all I could think about was Iggy Pop. I was a neurotic mess. I kept thinking about needing to reorganize my pantry. It's crazy. He kept telling me to relax. Sure thing, Doug. Sure fucking thing.