Sexual Harassment As Defined By United Nations: You're No Fun

I'm sure many of those are broken everyday by both genders.

Not sure if this is fall of the west material but it's damn close.

Many of those are so vague it's sad. Get one over-sensitive flake chick and all hell will break lose for merely "glancing" at someone. How the fuck am I supposed to figure out if I will ask you out?

Wait. Apparently asking someone out can be considered harassment. I mean, you need to have the mental ability to know beforehand if he or she wants to date you.

Calling a woman 'babe' is also harassment. Well, it won't surprise me if a husband calls his wife 'babe' it would open the door to some busy body femi-nazi to look on in horror. 

There's only one person I know who has telepathic powers and that's Aquaman - and he talks to fish. So he's completely useless in a dating setting.

I was going to make a comment on a few of them on the list but I'm not that into it. But here's one:

Staring at someone

"Was that wrong? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, had I known that was frowned upon...I gotta plead ignorance on that one."

Standing close or brushing up against another person

What if you work in tight spaces? Like making sardine cans?

Giving a massage around the neck or shoulders 

So I get this straight, the Thai massage parlour I frequent is safe right?

Giving personal gifts

Depends on the gift right? It's all so subjective. I'm sure a gal seeking a sugar daddy won't mind that diamond ring even though she has no intentions of fucking the guy. But hey, harassment it is! No Dunkin' gift card for you!

Looking a person up and down (Elevator eyes)

Yeah baby! Add the elevator music and now we're cooking!

Making kissing sounds, howling, and smacking lips 

You mean like this?

See full here. One of my all-time favorites.

Hanging around a person.

 

 Man, had that been enforced in The Office there would be no Jim-Pam plot.

 

Man"So. How 'bout those Mariners, eh?"

Woman:"What do I care about them? We live in Winnipeg, Gordie!"

"So...peanuts?"

"Allergic."

"Can you process this for me?"

"I'm not your secre....argh! What is that?"

"It's a cock!"

"I know what it is b-b-but...it's so....big?" 

 "That's what she said!"

Man smirks. Woman smiles. Curtains close.

***

Off to work I go.