Comedy Night

Shit, my posts are starting to get a "so I was" comedian formula feel to them.

So I was washing my hands today at the local mall and there before me were on instructions on how to discretely jack-off in the stalls.

Settle down. Actually, it was worse.

Rather, instructions indicating how to wash your hands (in six steps!) were plastered on the mirror.

Fuck. Are we getting stupider by the day? Why is that being shown?

Step one: Turn facet on.
Step two: Strike comfortable balance between hot and cold. Do not let water run. Waste, want not. Or some bull shit. Canada has more water than its population can ever dream to waste.
Step three: Choose proper amount of soap. Not too much since you will need more water, therefore 'wasting' it, to rinse excess soap. If not properly rinsed, soap will settle in on skin and possibly cause irritation. Please consult family doctor. If you do not have a family doctor, go sit and 'waste' nine hours of your time at either a local CLSC or clinic. We can't help you further.
Step four: Zip your pants.
Step five: Rewash hands.
Step six: Dry hands with ultra powerful (or weak, depending on the shittiness of your facilities) air dryer. We are environmental friendly and do not offer paper. If a Filipino man stands next to you offering a towel ignore him.
Step seven: Turn facet off.
Step eight: Look away from mirror and temptation to look at another man's penis.
Step nine: Turn and slowly walk away.
Step ten: You're retarded if you need these instructions to wash hands.

***

We have a friend who is, let's say special. So descriptive he is in telling a story we tend to move on and ignore him. "You're still talking about that, Vince? Jesus."

Anyway.

One day, bored out of our heads, we sat in front of an ice-cream place. As Vince - nicknamed Sideshow Bob because he had the same hair. No joke -  went in to get an ice-cream, his closest friend began to read his agenda he left behind. Vince had been a hair stylist since he was 17. As we read it and laughed at the typical Vincisms, one in particular had us howling. "12 PM. Eat."

Man, you need to be reminded when you're hungry?

Classic.

But he's a character best left for that great "book" I plan to write.

Right out of a movie I tell ya.

***

What went wrong? Everything at the dinner table at a social function was going great so I figured it was time to pull out the good old joke from high school.

"So there was this rabbit (I meant rabbi) and cunt, whore chick single mom bitch who smelled like salmon and couldn't keep who her snatch closed...."

Man, I never saw so many mouths open like that since Ginger Lynn.

It was soooo much funnier in Secondary five math class.