Conversations with Popular People

Hello and welcome to the first installment of "Fucking Stupid Talk." My first guests are Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

"Hello to you both."

They both sensually stare into the camera and say hello.

"You both have attained incredible popularity. What exactly have you accomplished?"

Jessica: "Er, well..."

Ashlee: "Like, you're so not cool for asking that question."

"Maybe, but can you both please answer the question. What have you contributed to our culture? Everywhere I turn I see your god dang faces on every cheap magazine."

Jessica sticks her tits out and attacks "Well, more than you. Who are YOU?!"

Ashlee: "Yeah, like, um."

"Well, thanks to you both. That was most enlightening. Just like your work."

"We all know my next guest, Madonna."

Madonna: "It's Ester now."

"Oh, excuse me. I forgot. Aleister Crowley was a cult figure and not a Kabbalist."

Madonna: 'Excuse me, loser? What do you mean?"

"Let me ask you. Did you feel a sense of void or Mu for you to turn to the omnipotence of the Kabbalah? Do you feel more alive or is this just another typical trendy phase?

Madonna: "I have gotten in touch with my spiritual side."

"There you have it. A businesswoman who sold sex and later children's books has found comfort in the Zohar. Good for her. Material girl milked the excesses of the 80s for all it was worth. Forgive me for not buying into this. Empty she remains."

Madonna: "Do you know who I am? I can buy and sell you on credit you squirt."

"Now, now. I don't think that was taught by Moses de Leon."

My next guest is Rick Mercer.

"Rick, you do a good job of lampooning the decadence of American education with your 'Talking to Americans' show. Boy, we Canadians sure love laughing at others to assuage our insecurities, don't we?

Rick chuckles. "Well, I wouldn't put it that way. We Canadians are a funny benign bunch..."

"Rick, would you consider doing a 'Talking to Canadians' bit? And what do you think the reaction would be up here in Canada if an American did it? Remember the uproar when a sock called Triumph did this? What a scandal for we Canadians. Particularly the dead-weight intellectuals in Quebec."

Rick: "Well, I don't think that he would have much material up here. Canadians are generally more aware of the neighbors down south than they are of us."

"And so you think that doing what you do will increase our exposure down there?"

Rick: "Well..."

"Fuck you. That's the third time you start your sentence with 'well. Feeling hot? Maybe it's global warming. Go solve it.'

My next guest is Hilary Clinton

"And what my dear have you accomplished in your political career?"

Hilary: "I have spearheaded many ideas that would make America more compassionate."

"What the fuck does that mean? What, you mean? Like increasing government involvement in our lives? Did any of your 'spearheads' actually pierce through and resonate with anybody in Congress? Do people really think you're the future? Hilary, you are truly hilarious."

Hilary: "I don't think you quite understand how level-headed and great Canada is. Tommy Douglas was a great man. And yes, my future is written in the wind. I will save America from itself."

"Pseudo-liberals have enacted terrible laws and programs in North America. Suck my ass. Better yet, suck Bill's."

"My next guests are Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Barbara Streisand."

Tim jumps in, "Bush is the devil."

Susan: "He is lying to you and you people don't even know it."

Barbara: "I only want this side of my face shown."

"Whoa, slow down narcissists. SLOW DOWN. What the hell is this? Night of the Living Dead? It's my show, cumquats. First, Tim, shut the fuck up. What the hell do you know about foreign policy? Go write another lame play about Leo Strauss. Susan, Miss 'I'm too smart for all you dead puppets' you're cute but an idiot. What makes you think people actually care about your political stances? Haven't you noticed they ignored you already and continue to do so? Celebrity and politics is a bad mix. Go recite some lines and jump off some more cliffs. Barbara, no matter what side you show that shnouser will still get in the way."

Finally, for our last segment. We'll go out in the streets and interview people.

"Sir, what are you thinking at this moment?"

"Weed, man. I need a job. These birckenstocks don't keep my feet warm at night. He eats babies man. I can't believe how stupid this country is. 60 million idiots! Look at the states that are blue man. It makes me sick. I'm sorry world for how dumb we are. Jesusland has taken over. A theocracy is taking hold. RUN! We shall march forever against Bush. He is a menace to freedom and security. He's a dummy. He drinks oil for supper, man. Don't you get it? The media are puppets! Right-wingers are everywhere. Arghhh."

"There you have it. Sell your bonds for real people. Freedom is such a precious commodity. Have we over spent it? True liberals should be so proud."

Good day and thanks for reading.