Idols of the Market Talk

-Proof of our misplaced priorities #4,567,324,345,789: Amidst the insanity of professional sport lock outs, classless pampered athletes and bored celebrities a Calgary teen solved a centuries old puzzle and won a paltry $8 000cdn. I say paltry because considering he solved that 'polyhedral forms could indeed be reduced to two-dimensional forms with no overlapping by cutting along the edges of their faces.' Wha? Huh?

8 grand seems like a small purse. Anyway, what many could not do since the question was posed in the 16th century, this kid did in two weeks. Yet, we pay actors to recite lines in mediocre films to the tune of millions. Who contributed more to mankind? 8K in Canadian dollars is not enough to go to MIT. Alas, talking about J-Ho is much more entertaining. The next time someone babbles about the extreme complexities of golf and Tiger Woods I'll show them this kid.

-Speaking of golf. I simply get annoyed with people who obsess over things - especially golf. The conversations around people at a summer bar-BQ is bad enough to have to listen to how many rounds the boys got in that week and how they can't wait for the next round and how they golfed in Maryland and Rottenville. It's a hobby. Get over it and shut up you're boring me like hell. I'd rather eat a raw onion than watch or take part in any of these dumb mind-numbing conversations. The only time I ever watched golf was when Bugs Bunny played with that Scotsman.

-After consuming a couple of hours of Bava directed horror B-flicks and Fritz the Cat, my wife brought home 'Hitch'. I watched it. I don't get it. I never get formulaic films that try to deviate from the blueprint slightly. It wasn't funny. It wasn't romantic. I saw Kevin James do stand-up. He's funnier than what I saw in that stupid film. And what is it with people jumping to conclusions like that? Do people react impetuously over the littlest of things? Fucking annoying.

What was more annoying was watching the cast on Oprah to 200 screaming bored bitches. Not that I watch Oprah. It's just that her fricken show is ALWAYS on whenever I opened the TV. I keep changing channels and all I get is her laughing diabolically. Anyway, it's just a coincidence that I was changing channels and caught 15 seconds of it. And the conversations are always the same. Every bimbo and bimbette actor is a fucking compassionate genius and so in love on Oprah.

For once, I want to see a porno version of her show. Yeah that's right. An orgy right there. We all know they do it in the back right? Julia 'The Expanding Maw' Roberts and her fucking kids for example. Back stage, of course, she hands them off to her immigrant chauffeur. "Raising kids is soooo hard." as she passes them over to a Filipino nurse. Whenever I watch Hollywood I feel like a whore. I feel like I wasted $10 at the local strip joint getting Chantal the one-tooth sabre rub her soft, sagging big nippled tits on my $125 Zegna shirt.

-Ever notice on television or in the movies people often repeat the question? "Do you believe in God?" "Believe in God?" It irritates the hell out of me because it wastes time. The person heard the question the first time. Unless they are deaf or wear a hearing aid or the other person asking the question is using a voice-box or sounds incomprehensible in their intonation and semantics, there's no reason to repeat the question. "Jack, can you fuck my mouth?" "Fuck your mouth?"

-I recently read someone on some creepy forum (yes, I channel the creepiest sites) dumping all over Magnum P.I. Man. it was harsh. I wanted to peel his skin, tear his head, boil his brain and pinch his cheeks. Magnum is cool. Magnum P.I. still resonates with me. That Mike Post intro and the Ferrari is priceless. Rick, TC and Higgins were a cool posse. Like Bubbles, Ricky and Julian on Trailer Park Boys. I bet you that guy didn't see the episode with Ivan or Frank Sinatra.

-Sesame Street added Muslim Terrorist puppets. Something about reaching out, cooperation, blah, blah. I don't know I tuned out.

-Tom Cruise. I mean really. I mean seriously. Where does he come from? Did he have a lobotomy over at the Scientology lab? He sounds like a typical indoctrinated jibber-jabber no different than the ones found in '1984'. Is he fooling anybody? Bizarre. Again, I don't normally do the 'Access Hollywood' shtick (hosts of these shows are so hopelessly pathetic in their 'look at me I'm talking to the stars' persona) but actors make it so hard not to pick on them. Scratch behind the Canali suit of Versace dress and you find spruce scenting white-trash or tattoo drenched skank from the corniest spots on the continent. How they become so vulnerable to cults is something academics should study. From 3-feet tall Top Guns to violent dingos. Russel Crowe.

What's the point of punching clerks and bellboys? Was it the steady diet of raw platypus liver that led to his brain being as functional as Heliogablus? It wouldn't be a stretch that after such an incident he would do a pitch, as a spokesperson, for Amnesty. If there's a draft, send the most violent people in the entertainment business. If rappers are so fond of fondling women and guns send them off to places where they can participate in all the violence they want. Send them all. Farrel, Oasis, 34cents, the 32 Baldwins - see how they do in Afghanistan. Oh yeah, they are anti-war not anti-violent.