The Max Memoirs: An Exclusive

I saw Jeebies with a girl in his arms. It was weird. Jeebies is not exactly James Bond with women. Not that he's inept. Just particular, peculiar and sometimes oblivious. I remember one time when we were at a pool party and in the evening Jeebies was alone in the pool with some gal (she may have been a skank I can't recall) who was flaunting her enormous tits in his face. She wanted to, I guess, synchronize their lust skin to skin. All of us saw what was going on but there was Jeebies, with his Side Show Bob-like hair, jumping around in the pool like a 5 year-old avoiding her advancements. I'm not sure he even understood what was happening. His non-chalant behaviour was making that broad horny. She simply could not corner him. He was more interested in the telephone cable wiring around the pool than honey dew and cantaloupe. She eventually came out and asked us what was up with our friend. We still don't know.

I went to an Italian bakery for lunch today. Great food. WHile I was looking around one of their signs on the counter said 'Will fill your cannoli." You can interpret this any way you choose.

I went to a private clinic this evening. Don't ask. I noticed a pre-natal class and decided to listen in. The nurse was showing the women breathing techniques. At one point, she asked all the women to get down on all fours on the mats. I don't know, seeing all those women lined up and all primed....my imagination began to spiral off. When that happens I have to run to my happy place. It was too much for me.

Ever notice hwo some people ask so many questions during a presentation? They are so fucking annoying. "Um, what do you mean..." Um this and um that. to those of you who are like this - Keep yer yapper shut. Some of us want to leave on the designated time. Some people just drag the fricken thing longer than it has to. "My friend..." Fuck you and your friend. No one cares. Go home. One time, during my working days, a doctor came in to speak about stress. A co-worker could not stop pretending to be a doctor herself. She was filled with advice and theories. Worse, she kept interrupting and stalling the flow of the presentation. That woman needed a hard knock between the eyes. I was actually trying to listen TO THE DOCTOR. In any event, I'm genetically programmed to be neurotic. Jacked on espresso's, stress and insomnia should be names I give my children....should anyone ever want to procreate with me.

For those of you who offer advice freely without being asked for it- here's a solid piece of advic - Don't. Especially if the advice you're giving is not in your professional domain. All these jackasses giving out free and unsolicited advice about investments and home buying etc. know jack-shit. Pilots and engineers are the worse. Because they burnt the cells that provide social skills while studying complex structures and mathematical equations they think they can figure out the god dang options markets. Stick to finite structures idiot. You know nothing about investments. And the detailed questions...they have to be mentally ill. They're deranged. Here's my theory: Engineers are autitsic. I don't know where on the spectrum but they are. THeyw ere byfar my worse clients......when I was employed.

Some people are literally burnt. I'm convinced, before leaving their homes, that they turn the stove on and place their heads over the burners and burn their heads. It's the only way I can explain the littany of stupidity I am inondated with on a daily basis be it social or political. I can't take these freaks anymore!