Hey ESPN!

I don't normally burst with confidence but I can definitely do better than this. You know where to reach me.

David Hirshey, ESPN freelance columnist

I mean, isn't this just a classic "Lesser of Two Evils" match for me? On one hand, I'm constitutionally incapable of rooting for a team whose midfield general's nickname is "Schweini" -- or Piggy. It's not that I'm a militant vegan, it's just that anything German not named "Heidi Klum" (and, beginning next season, "Lukas Podolski") has always given me the willies.

Ha, ha. More "those bad Germans" jokes. Ha, ha. We get it. Don't let the story get in the way of your writing on the way out the door there, buddy. Goethe? Beethoven? Really? They would give you the "willies?" Closer to home, what about, I don't know, Klinsmann? Beckenbauer?

I don't get the pig to vegan to German and ultimately Bayern connection.

Was the editor on break when this was approved?

On the other hand, there's John Terry.

Terry is a jerk. We know this. Moving along. Take two easy targets (Germany and Terry) and make one bad article!

Just because he's not allowed to humiliate himself again in a Champions League final doesn't obviate my lifelong loathing of the Blues and their odious captain.

I really could care less about your personal loathings.

I suppose if I had my way, the earth beneath the Allianz Arena would open up and swallow both teams.

I support AC Milan and look forward to the final. So there. I don't want anyone being digested by an insurance company.

But even that has a downside, because it would mean Spurs would automatically qualify for next year's tournament. Since keeping the Lilywhites from defiling the CL is for the planet's greater good, I'm forced at Bud Light-point to hope that the Blues roast Schweini & Co. this weekend, but that Terry slips off the podium while lifting the trophy and suffers a concussion that keeps him out of the Euros.

God dammit this is just terrible. It can't be saved. Oh, well maybe he'll actually make a salient point just about...

Chelsea 1-0.

Nuts.

NOT ONE POINT to defend this "prediction." Too busy bashing Chelsea and Bayern to inform readers.