"Be Civily Cool: Turn Nervous Energy Into Acceptable Energy When Left Alone At The Table."
Ever been on a first date and your partner splits to "powder their nose?" I never believed that. I can just imagine what goes on in the ladies bathroom. "Oh yes, it's ladies night and the feelings right..." Come on, sing it! I continue do cling on to lustful vivid images of women clustered about in magnificent conglomeration.
While she's away, you're stuck trying to find comfortable stillness. You find yourself sipping enough wine to pour another glass while crossing and uncrossing your legs and placing and removing your elbows from the table multiple times. By this time, your actions make you wonder if people are asking if you have ADHD.
We've all gone to a party where we know absolutely nobody except for the person who invited us. Naturally, that person can't be relied on when the guest you showed up with decides to go take a long piss or mysteriously wanders off leaving you to stand around like a complete zero.
It's hard to compose yourself since your mind - depending on the degree of self-sabotaging you possess. It varies from person to person - can mischiveously play dirty tricks on you thus exaggerating the situation. No one is really paying attention but your mind will turn you into an instant narcissist. "Omigod, is my slip showing? Wait a sec..."
You may think your giving off a natural smile when it fact it's more like a disturbed grin. Think you're standing erect? Go look in a mirror; that's not Rock Hudson circa 1964 looking back at you, it's Bela Lugosi as Dracula.
It's no easier roving like a vagabond from group to group in hopes of nailing one that appeals to you while faking interest- or vice-versa. You may want to avoid lines like "Hey, these chips are delicious!" (when in fact they are nachos), "Nice party, eh?" when clearly it sucks and "I'd do her" without knowing the full profile of who you want to do.
It's impossible to act like James Bond so don't do it. Unless you're able to use any type of weapon known to man, have nice hair and strong bones that can perform remarkable stunts, drive a BMW-Maserati hybrid (also known as an Aston-Martin), attract literally any woman, carry more utilities in your belt than Batman himself, know how to ski, swim, skate, pilot a crashing plane, beat up UFC fighters and make a wedding cake professionally, I'd avoid it. Be more like, erm, Larry David in Curb your enthusiasm.
Another book:
"From Obama to Osama. How one letter changed my life."
Excerpts:
On his name:
"It may sound crazy, you know, but I still stay up late at night laughing at my luck. I mean, if my name was Osama I wouldn't be president. I can't help but wake Michelle up with it. She's so special. She looks so cute all groggy. By that point, the sleep pills are in full effect but, man, this Obama-Osama thing is just too much."
On the environment:
"I really considered changing my name as the Kabbalarian Society suggested. Obama was a little too, you know, I don't know, erm, "Wow!" Like, Wobama!" As if I'd come in swinging and swaggering with a cape. Watching Peter Pan, I realized we needed to be more green in our lives. You can't try that shit anymore with those new green light bulbs. I want us to be more like Tarzan than Peter Pan. Tarzan's mode of transportation was all green - trees. I really like the color green."
On health:
"I don't get into Michelle's affairs. Good on her she wants to eradicate obesity. Just don't touch my cigarettes and cheeseburgers."
On economic policies:
"I'm not sure if they're "policies" per se, but a state of mind. A state that will prove me right...somewhere down the line. michelle sez that all the time The way I see it, no one can prove anything anyway when it comes to economics. What does 12% unemployment in Nevada mean to you? Exactly. If Africa can get by, so can we. I've produced two massive documents totalling over 5000 pages and people are gonna tell me I ain't innovative? shit
On his personal memoirs:
"I think it'll be bigger than The Beatles, therefore Jesus. I's gots lotsa shit to say once all this is said and done."
More (Unedited) excerpts from his memoirs:
my place, I think, given what I inherited, in history is assured. I do believe my efforts deserve to have my face chisled on the side of some mountain. (It was later pointed out to Obama he was unwittingly referring to Mount Rushmore to which he responded, "Really? A mountain, huh? What about a tree? One of those big ass motherfuckers (like the ones in Lord of the Rings) in Oregon or Minnesota?")
anyway, its 4:44 am. these ruminations by me are for the people since America is filled with
i get tired of all this constitution talk about jefferson, madison, &&&&& the rest of the gang from riverdale i have to be me, you know? not some guy flying a kite. **what made them so special i dont get it i mean im a constiutiominanal expert with community experience and i still can't figure out what the heck they meant. to me things are meant to be changed and theres a new sheriff in town i have somuch tosay i cant even pace my thoughts at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! willube4ever?
me and michelle are planning a "date" night. just the two of us. sa-weet! sha-wing!
3:22pm. I took a nice little nap and still have a few things to get offf my chest including michelle. she can get a little heavy; mently and fisicly
I cant figure what people want i go into libya (lib-yeah!) kill osama binladden spend money yet people in district 9 abandon me!!!!!!!!
sometimes i just want to get up during a state addresss and say, phuck it, you're not worth it.
4:07 pm. Yay! Da Bears take on the Saints today! Yayyyyy! go grossman. ESPN should be calling any second now luvu4evah mich!
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