God Sports Radio and Television can be so Lame. No Wonder...

deadspin.com/sports/please-give-me-back-my-stapler/espns-secret-interoffice-complaint-memorandum-279257.php

Gosh ESPN is just like a bank!

This is the worldwide leader in sports? Worldwide leader in the stupidest questions, too. No wonder Dan Patrick left.

I was on the inside in a corporation. Not very good. Pretty lame in fact. So I can relate.

It seems no matter where you are, what you do, or where you work, people are stupid.

When I was in University the professor would hand out the course syllabus. Immediately all the pukes around me would begin to fiddle around to see what was asked of them. The real swift and go-getter ones one would highlight the fucking thing.

Wha? You want us to read five books? Are you crazy? Do you realize I have a two-course semester? Are you some sort of sadistic creep? Could you tell us which books to focus on? Ok. Can you tell us which part of the book? Paragraph? Why don't you have an open book exam? Will the exam be multiple choice? Can I bring carrots into class?

One professor was having none of it. In response to a braindead question he simply said, "In Europe you're responsible for 50 books. You're worried about five. I think you're getting a better deal."

Amen.

Here are some of my personal favorites from the above link - if anything it brings me back to a darker, more evil time in my life.

Question:
When will the bicycle rack in front of the south door of Building 3 be reinstalled? It was removed last year during construction.

Answer:
The bike rack has been reinstalled - where do we find these people?

What I would have said: Try riding the bike with a seat, Screech.

Question:
Why do we have to wait an entire calendar year to receive 1-yr of service time? For example, my start date was in January. I worked from one January to the next and didn't receive 1-yr credit for service when the following January came around. Basically, I had to work 23 months to get 1-full year of service time. So, after 5 years of work, to receive a 3rd week of vacation I need to work 6 years. Why can't the time be retroactive? If my start date was January 15, 2002, then I should receive my 3rd week of vacation January 15, 2007, instead I have to wait until January 1, 2008.

Answer:
You are eligible for 3 weeks vacation beginning in January of the year you celebrate your 5th year anniversary. As an example: If you started in July of 2000, then you would receive 3 weeks vacation beginning January of 2005.

What I would have answered: I no good wit mat. Can you read palms?

Question:
What about all this talk I'm hearing about ESPN going 1080i? I thought 720p was our chosen format? Won't that make all our technology in the DC1 unusable?

Answer:
ESPN is not planning on going to 1080i at all. We are reviewing the potential of 1080p for future facility projects.

What I would have said: I have no clue what you're talking about R2D2.

Question:
Is there or could there be an option to receive a paycheck once a week instead of every other Thursday? Many of us live paycheck to paycheck. Being able to be paid every week would help tremendously.

Answer:
All ESPN employees are paid on a bi-weekly basis and have the same pay date. Payroll is a shared service provided by our parent company and ESPN cannot operate under a different system.

What I would have said: How's 'bout you try saving your money, retard?

Question:
What qualities do you feel a Leader should possess?

Answer:
For guidance, please review the Leadership Competencies in Performance Connection on the intranet for information on what is expected of a leader. Another good source for guidance is your department's HR generalist.

What I would have said: Aside from the fact that you clearly don't possess any, being able to come sweeping in on a horse while slicing heads clean off is a good start.

Question:
Can we get an option for pet health insurance?

Answer:
A program for pet insurance was just recently added to our benefits package.

What I would have said: Is this Michael Vick?

Question:
Regarding the company store on campus... Programming is in Cheshire, with typical office hours from 9a-6p. This makes it difficult to be able to go to the campus store, since they operate on the same hours. Is it possible to have some days where the store is open 8a-5p or 10a-7p? I would love to buy stuff for friends and family, but would need to leave work early or come in late if I wanted to get something from there. I understand the online store is an option, but would prefer not to pay a shipping fee and sometimes there are minimum purchase requirements for certain items. Thank you for considering this request.

Answer:
We have tested other hours in the past and the schedule we have in place has been the most successful for us and worked well for the employees in Connecticut. The employees in CT all benefit from this store as opposed to employees in NYC and other parts of the country. Unfortunately it's hard to satisfy everyone's needs however we feel these hours work for the majority of the employees.

What I would have said: I have considered. I think you're right. What we have decided to do is have everyone send in the hours they prefer and we will make sure the store remains open. One catch: you have to work those hours. Better yet, whenever you need to shop call me on my blackberry and I will personally open the store up for you.

Can ESPN provide healthier options in the vending machines and cafe (like a variety of protein bars)?

Answer:
Healthier options have been included in some vending machines, but not in all. Also, healthier options can always be purchased in the cafe. We have requested power/protein bars to be included in all vending machines.

What I would have said: We are currently speaking to BALCO. In the meantime try bringing a fucken' lunch.

Question:
Can ESPN put an espresso machine in the cafe for lattes and cappuccinos, (not the ones we have in our break room - an actual manned machine like at Starbucks)?

Answer:
At the present time, we do not have any plans to install an espresso machine for lattes and cappuccinos. We will keep it in mind for consideration in the future.

What I would have said: We are considering importing an entire bar with marble counters already equipped with servers from Italy and France. Fuck Starbuck's. We are also bringing in Swedish spa divas from Finland. They're cheaper.

Question:
I know that it is human nature to find fault and seldom praise staff members. Everyone knows this is counter-productive. I would like to see improvements here. Do you agree everyone should be praised when they do a good job? Catch people doing something right?

Answer:
Recognition and praise for a job well done is always in order. If you see opportunities for us to do so, be sure to bring it to the attention of your manager

What I would have said: Sure why not. What do I care? Pin a ribbon on anyone who zips up correctly. Now that I think of it, why not give stickers out to people who staple paper properly?

Question:
Why are the portions getting smaller at the cafeteria and the prices continuing to get higher? Is there any option to receive more of a discount, if there is a discount already?

Answer:
The portion sizes in the cafe have not changed since we opened in 1999 and we are pleased to say that we have only increased prices in the cafe once since our opening. The last price increase was in 2005

What I would have said: Hmm. Discount on a discount? It's been done.

Question:
Given the success of Dancing with the Stars" on ABC, (and "So You Think You Can Dance" on FOX), does ESPN plan to capitalize on this nationwide dance obsession, (and high TV/internet ratings), and offer similar programming? Would ESPN strongly consider seeking rights agreements to air existing competitions and/or would EOE develop its own dance competition and/or reality show? If aired in months when neither of the two above series air, it could potentially capture the same audience without direct competition. ESPN would also further expand its viewer base by offering this diverse programming option. Considering the success of pro-athletes Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice on DWTS, it might be just the right time for a dance competition featuring only pro-athletes. [I have read that the 2nd Annual World Salsa Championships, (Albert Torres And Salsa Seven Inc.), will be broadcast on ESPN International and ESPN Deportes and I very much hope that they will also be broadcast on ESPN 2.]"

Answer:
We often include content from and play off the success of Dancing with the Stars within our existing studio franchises, including regular updates in SportsCenter and other studio shows, particularly involving the participating athletes. We have looked at ballroom dancing programming and will continue to. One challenge is that the dancing audience is generally not our typical audience. To have a shot at success would require devotion of significant resources, and at that point, it becomes a matter of prioritization

What I would have said: We at EPNS are committed to excellence. Reality strong man competition meets Salsa it is. Salsa?

Can employees keep the trees that ESPN throws away when doing new construction?

Answer:
No, employees cannot keep the trees. ESPN analyzes all trees and shrubs that are scheduled to be displaced. Once it is determined which trees and shrubs can survive the move we have them bagged, tagged and relocated. Anything left is then the possession of the contractor. Many of the trees and shrubs at the cafe project have been transplanted at Building 4 and other locations on the campus.

What I would have said: Fung off and get back to work.