Tiberio was a high strung person. An insomniac and a neurotic absurdist. Try and imagine living with that. Tibs, as his pals call him, decided to try a local Zen Wellness Center to solve his sleeping problems. He tried everything. Eating bananas, drinking port before bed, listening to Tom Snyder and popping natural sleeping pills that only made him feel like he smoked a joint. So he was up for something different.
"I gotta bust outta of this funk."
He felt awkward going into this place. He doesn't know why but all he could think about was espresso.
At the center, everyone talked in hush tones and walked around barefoot. Tibs was not much into feet. He immediately compared this cult age feeling with Doug Henning. "Everyone is so bloody calm. How do they live?"
He waited a few minutes and a lady walked towards him. "Please don't make it be here. Pl..."
"Tiberino?"
"Tiberio."
"Sorry. Ready for your massage?"
"Why else would I be here?" he thought to himself.
"I am sure am," he said.
He was disappointed that she didn't look more like Ingrid from Sveden.
"Where's my Black Pagoda?" he asked. She smiled almost unapprovingly at the dead-pan jest.
Once the massage started Tibs tensed up. Just enough for her not to feel it. He became a master of masquerading his neurosis. He's what some call a faux-calm. On the exteriour he looks together but on the inside he's, well, an ambiguous mess.
He kept thinking about the various chores he had to do around the house. He also thought about his creative brilliance that he felt was being squandered. He pondered the cold-cut sandwich he was going to make at home. Ah, yes nothing like a prosciutto sandwich. He went on and on until he wanted to jump off the table and just walk out. In fact, he did that once.
"How do you feel?" she asked at the end of the session. Staring at the Buddha statue he responded, "Like I was born again." He didn't have the heart to tell the truth. He felt the same as he always had: confused.
"Great. I'm glad to hear it. You'll be so smooth and relaxed for the next couple of days. Get some sleep and relax."
Tibs thanked her and left. He looked at his watch unconvinced that his $65 was well spent.
"I think I'll go for that espresso."
He walks. He knows...it's time to give melatonin pills a shot.
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