The Invasion of Canada

Gus enters the room timidly - "Sir, I mean Mr. Prime Minister, um, well..."

Prime Minister reading the papers - "Speak up, Giles for cripe sakes. You're Deputy Prime Minister now."

Gus (scratches forehead)- "Ok, er, it seems we are being invaded."

PM - "We as in me and you?"

Gus giggling - "No silly goose, I mean Canada."

PM - "I figured that much."

PM to himself - "I'm surrounded by mediocrity."

Military Commander enters.

Commander - "Sir!"

PM - "Yes?"

Commander - "We stand on guard for thee!"

PM - "Where's the army at this moment?"

Commander - "Outside, sir."

PM - "Outside?"

He looks out the window and he sees a standing private army of about 60 men.

PM - "Has this country lost its mind? Where's the army?"

Gus - "Cutbacks, sir. We followed the polls. It's what the people wanted."

PM slaps his hands to forehead. "Who exactly were these boneheads? "

PM continues - "Who exactly is invading us?"

Gus - "Details are sketchy but it seems a recently invented country calling itself Werpipia has declared Canada an enemy state."

PM - "40 years of do-gooding mythology and this is what we get?"

Meanwhile,at a local park kids are playing and meet with the enemy.

Foreigner - "I am Guncha and I am the leader of Werpipia. We have come to annex your great land.

Ty - "Wo, man."

Kyle - "Oh my God, pass that joint."

Trevor - "I'm so like so worried."

Ty - "What for? Those stupid Yanks will come and defend us."

A recently married gay couple is passing by and wonder about the commotion.

Gay man - "Who are you?"

Gunhca - "I am your new leader."

Gay man - "As long as you do not affect MY rights you could do what you want."

They walk away. The leaders of Werpipia contact Canadian leaders.

Guncha stroking a lemur with red eyes and fangs - "Do you know why you have been selected?"

PM pound his fist on the table - "We are Canadian, eh and we demand to know, eh?"

Guncha - "Calm down. We all know your bark is louder than your bite. We are a new country and in order to gain legitimacy it needs to acquire land and lots of it. We have a small army so we calculated and assessed which country with a generous landmass was sufficiently weak and naive enough to invade. We posed the question to our guru and Canada came up."

PM - "Like, this is wrong eh. We should, eh, talk about eh?"

Guncha - "Now, now sir. You do not have any leverage."

PM to Gus - "Get the Americans on the phone."

President - "Hello? Who? Canada?"

Secretary of State and Defense are playing cards. President tells them of Canada's request for help.

SOD - "Fuck 'em."

SOS - "Yeah, let them sweat it out. See if they think we're bastards now."

President to Gus - "Er, sorry, Gus is it? I'm washing my hair, no wait, my dog today and I just can't find time. Here's the number to Michael Moore's swank condo see if he'll help. Bye."

Gus: "Sir, the Americans have turned us down."

PM - "Dammit. Can't blame them. That stupid bitch."

Gus - "Sir! She was exercising her right..."

PM - "Can it Gus. We have problems. What about the Inuit, Cree?"

Gus - "They turned in their spears and canoes when we failed to back them up when Denmark took over Hans Island."

PM - "They did?"

Phone rings.

Gus - "Sir, it's Quebec."

PM - "Hello?"

Quebecer - "Parle moi en Francais tabernak! Maudits, Americains. Donne moi l'argent. Le Quebec libre! On veut..."

Click.

PM - "First, I'm going to take care of Werpipia and then I'm ging to whip that place into shape."

PM - "Gus, come here. Here's what we are going to do. We will strengthen our defenses and...."

Gus - "Sir, the people will not stand for it!"

PM grabs Gus by the collar "The people are so full of shit and lost that they would not be able to defend against a pack of chips. We have to LEAD Gus. That's what LEADERSHIP means."

Gus - "Leadership, eh?"

PM - "Once we are strong enough we will fight them like wolverines and to the death. We will defend Canada and we will show the Americans we can stand on our own two feet."

The next day newspaper headlines across the land read:

'Canada Mobilizing for War! Are we mad?' and 'War, what is it good for?'

Anti-war citizens begin to march. Slogans include:

"We will not die for oil,man!" "Save the seal first!" "As long as gay marriage stays!" "Liar, liar! Who are these 'invaders'?" "Send your own son to fight for our freedom!"

PM looking out the window - "These people are getting dumber, lazier and more absurd by the minute. Oh well. Canada must be defended. I will address them tonight."

PM rolls up his sleeves. He rallied his troops and Cabinet. They move with a sense of purpose. They privately regard themselves as modern patriots. They will forge a new Canada. A Canada with a strong sense of purpose. A picture of Canadian pioneers hangs above them.

PM - "People. Let us start....let's kick some ass...."