Larry King Interviews The Commentator

Larry King: "Good evening, we have a special guest tonight who comes all the way from Canada. Is it"?

Commentator: "Actually, I'm from a tiny little Kingdom called Quebec. Parle moi en ma langue maudit tabernak"!

King: "It says here on your profile that you're a friendly misanthropist. Isn't this a contradiction in terms"?

Commentator: "They told me you were swift in those suspenders but I didn't think you'd be this nippy. Yes, it's a contradiction. You see, I'm not terribly fond of people in general but I'm also quite friendly".

King: "So, you're socially but awkwardly well-adjusted"?

Commentator: "Why do you sit like that"?

King "Like what"?

Commentator: "All slanted. Do you go see a chiropractor? Why do young beautiful women always go after ugly octogenerians? It can't all be about prestige? Damn that troublesome Helen of Troy. Men are always going to war over stupid dingbat Victoria Secret girls".

King: "I'm not sure I follow".

Commentator: "That's because your reflexes have slowed. I'm not sure you're even awake. You actually allow a guy who pushes a skeleton around malls to manipulate your neck and spine"?

King: "Your blog is quite interesting. You have many opinions on many topics".

Commentator: "Except about the box industry. I have no opinion on them. I was thinking about writing a blog describing how useless many interviewers are. Even now you're not challenging me. Stop stating the obvious Dr. Phil. I can see the marionette strings from here".

King: "Are you degrading the journalism profession before 27 million Americans"?

Commentator: "There are 450 000 Canadians watching too. Let's not forget them. Hello to everyone in Saskatchewan! That name sounds like a monster in the woods or a cousin to a wookie. Are we cheap seal fur to you? As for humiliating your profession - you're doing fine by yourself. Who was that coont that interviewed Hussein? Great job on that file. Gag..."

King: "Well, did we not make him a monster"?

Commentator: "I think you're a monster. Look at my maple leaf tattoo".

King: "Nice...um, butt. Are you a patriot"?

Commentator: "There are no patriots in Canada. Nah, the tattoo is for Maple Leaf foods. I love their grain-fed chicken line. Dijon and herbs...."

King: "Those poor chickens. Do you not feel a little guilty"?

Commentator: "Larry, get a grip. It's a fucken' chicken. Can you tell if it's sad or angry? Like cows, they serve no practical purpose but to feed us. Besides, what would we do with all those sauces if we all became vegetarians? I worry about the sauce industry. Who speaks for them? Maybe Foghorn Leghorn".

King: "They don't need us. They are faceless corporations programming us to consume".

Commentator: "Ah bullshit, King. You have no problem cashing your big fat cheque right? We create the demand. Why are you barefoot? You remind me of Kent Brockman".

King: "Tell our audience a little about Cain-ada".

Commentator: "What's Cain-ada? Oh, you mean Ca-na-duh, eh"?

King: "Big country".

Commentator: "Too big. The caribou nation is mounting a revolution to claim the original Hudson's Bay territory. Everyone wants a piece of the action".

King: "Wealthy and compassionate".

Commentator: "Great googa mooga, shooga wooga"!

Please note: The writer is running out of ideas and is uncertain on how to end this plane wreck.

King: "Hmmm. Interesting. You say you hate people".

Commentator 'I did not say that. I said I am not fond of them. I hate you for misquoting me. For a guy who depends on the sharp wit of the word you sure think and act like a baboon".

King: "Let's take some calls. Jody in Baltimore. Go ahead..."

Caller: "Larry, never mind".

King 'Next caller. Habby al-Yemenattila. You're on Larry King Live"!

Caller: "The Commentator works for the CIA. His comments will create many,many,many,many bin Ladens".

Commentator: "Arthur is that you"?

King: "I once interviewed Burt Lancaster..."

Commentator: "Lancaster! Great balls slurper".

King: "And Liz Taylor."

Commentator: Taylor! Great balls slurper".

King: "Anyway..."

Commentator: "Larry, could you stop pretending? Just stop. Really, who are you fooling? Those cheap retro lights in the background are burning me. I should have brought suntan lotion".

King: "I think this is all we have time for. Stay tuned for Martha Stewart and her lemons"!

Commentator: "Yeah, her tits did taste a little sour".

King: "Listen you little twirp. I have had just about enou...."

Commentator: "That's it Larry. You want to remove those glasses for pseudo-intellectual effect".

King: "Cut this bastard cocksucker off".

Commentator: "Buy my t-shirts..."!

The end.