It's My Arctic Back Off, Eh?

With a picture of John 'Dief the Chief' Diefenbaker proudly above him, Colonel Craniuck was relaxing just like any other dull Canadian day when he was suddenly interrupted by a high alert.

"High alert? That's odd," he told himself stroking his chin.

He spoke into the intercom.

"What is it, Major?"

"We have spotted spies in Arctic waters, Col."

"Those damn Scandinavians. Will they ever leave us be? What the heck do those Skraelings want?"

"Sir, I don't think they're Scandinavians."

"I knew it! It's the French, eh?

"Er, no sir. The tiny island of Comoros."

"Comatose, eh? Get me my atlas, Major."

"Comoros."

The Major walked into Col. Craniuk's office and handed the atlas to him.

With his index finger firmly jammed up his nose Col. Craniuck read out loud. "Hmm, it seems Comoros is a country in Africa. Hmm again, but what would this highly unstable country want with the Arctic Archipelago?"

"I wonder if they are properly dressed sir?"

"There's no time for your games, Major. This country is under attack. ATTACK! Call the Inuit!"

"Yes, sir. Do you want their kayak fleet on alert?"

"Yes."

One minute later the Inuit leader arrived.

"Jack, this has got to stop. You can't keep depending on my 4 kayakers to defend Canadian interests in the Arctic. Our Rangers need reinforcements. When will you pasty white morons understand this?

The Colonel incredulously answered. "No. Never! We decide what is best for Canada!"

"Really, Jack? Look out there. Every Tom, Dick and Gordie is trying to invade Canadian waters now"

"I always felt that bronze plaque left behind by Captain Bernier was enough to protect us." Craniuck lamented.

"That was in 1909, Jack!"

"I wish Bob and Doug McKenzie could help us now."

"Who? Look, what do you want my men to do. It's close to blubber feasting time."

"We expect a Comorian delegation any minute. We will have orders for you shortly."

The Comorians did indeed arrive. Colonel Craniuk greeted them and immediately asked

"Why are you here?"

The Comorrian leader spoke. "My country is highly volatile and an election is coming up so we needed a diversion. This was the perfect ambitious plan to have my people riveted by our daringness."

"You're doing this for cheap political points?" asked the Colonel firmly.

"Not quite. We also discovered that Pangnirtung hamlet contains vast energy resources that we decided we want."

"Well, you can't have it. It's my arctic, so back off, eh? Anyway, you must file the appropriate documents and go through the proper multilateral channels to do so.

The Inuit leader slapped his hands to his forehead in disbelief. The African leader let out a huge roar of laughter and said, "Fools. It is already ours! Look around you. There are already 22 flags claiming islands around you and the Camorian people will not be denied!"

The Colonel remained unimpressed. "Hard ball, eh? Well, we'll see to that.

Major, get me Ottawa.

" It's busy sir."

"Hmm. What can they possibly be doing during a state of emergency. Follow me upstairs, Major. I have a special phone."

In the meantime, the Inuit leader, Tornarsuk Pootoogook, decided to strike up a conversation with the Comorian leader, Pierre al-Chamanga. "Stupid hosers. They haven't a clue." The Camorian nods approvingly. "This is why we chose them," Tornarsuk answered.

"Yes, smart indeed. I am fed up of defending this land while the hamballs in Ottawa pretend to have control of these islands. It is our land."

He then looked straight into the Camrians eye. "We will defend it to the death." Immediately, a moment of realization overcame the African.

They began to share a bottle of whiskey left behind by the Colonel.

"Shimwali and Inuktitut forever!" the Inuit leader screamed. The Colonel soon returned and approached the giggling sots. "I demand an explanation!" He glanced over and saw his bottle now empty. "I demand an apology!" Chamanga began to assuage Craniuk. " Relax, Britboy... "

Craniuk interjected. "I am of Ukranian extract, sir."

Oblivious to what the colonel just said the Camorian leader continued to slur his words.

"Don't worry, Canada. We don't want your crummy island." He slapped the Inuit on the back and got up.

Later that night, Captain Craniuk leaned back on his chair. Once again he was satisfied in his handling of the situation.

"Well, Major Jimmy m'boy. We Canadians did it again."

The Inuit leader rolled his eyes. "Can I go now?"

The Colonel winked and said, "You may." Looking over the window, a bumbling expedition from the mythical island of Glaciersandia had just planted their flag. Another crisis was brewing.

"Yes, Sam Steele would be proud."