This is a very cynical satirical hit piece on Canada - on purpose. Apologies for the disjointed ebb and flow.
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Once upon a time, there was a country. Or at least, that’s what it called itself. In reality, it was more of a polite suggestion. A demi-formed business write-off propped up by maple sap and the vague hope that nobody would ever ask it to do anything difficult.
It had borders, sure. It has a government, kind of. It has a flag, but mostly it has vibes—soft, inoffensive, utterly neutered vibes.
Speaking of flags, Canada spent a lot of energy deciding on one. And they settled on a maple leaf.
Is the maple tree unique to Canada? Nope. China has more and is found across Asia and Europe. Moreover, it produces a sticky liquid called maple syrup which is mostly produced in Quebec. Nothing screams unity more than a tree found everywhere and whose extract is a key source of its national identity comes from one province.
For a while, it was all fine.. Canada’s whole existence was based on one core belief: nothing bad ever really happens here.
Mostly because our best talent went to the U.S. to make things and make things happen there.
This was the national religion. Not Christianity, not secularism, but safety. Safety above all else. Safety from conflict. Safety from offense. Safety from the burden of having to think for yourself.
Helmet law for driving incoming!
It was a country where a pothole takes ten years to fix (not really), but changing the lyrics to the national anthem? Immediate priority. Why? Because someone, somewhere, might feel something unpleasant for five fucking seconds, and in Canada, that’s basically a war crime.
All thy sons command....Not very DEI.
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How Canadians view rhemselves:
What they are:
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A Nation Held Together by Politeness and Fear of Mean Words
The whole place reeked of passive-aggressive submission. Nobody really loved Canada, but they sure as hell hated the idea of anything different.
Patriotism? Too aggressive. Too.....MAGA.
History? Too problematic. What with it being white and Christian all that.
Freedom? Sounds a little American, don’t you think? Freedumbers. All of you!
Canada never built an identity—it just defined itself in the negative. We are not American. We are not loud. We are not a threat. We are not, we are not, we are not.
Then one day, the world turned and asked, Okay, but what the fuck are you?
Canada just stared blankly, mouth slightly open drooling, like a deer caught in the high beams of reality.
We're a multicultural post-national state that doesn't mind China buts hates Trump and only waving a flag of convenience when the government orders it.
Obey.
What about Quebec? Whatever aches and ails Canada double it for Quebec. I won't go any further.
Loose profile of a Quebec official:
The Great COVID Compliance Olympics
Then came COVID, and Canada faced its ultimate test: would it stand up for personal freedom, for civil liberties, for the idea that individuals had the right to make their own choices?
Of course not.
The government rolled out emergency measures designed for literal wartime, froze the bank accounts of protesters, and banned people from moving freely within their own country. And the people?
They nodded along like fucking NPCs stupidly conflating obedience for courage and gleefully dividing each other through dehumanizing and demonizing rhetoric.
For our health.
They clutched their masks, refreshed CBC new every five minutes, and prayed for stronger restrictions. They ratted out their neighbors like twitchy Soviet informants. They turned on their own countrymen with the enthusiasm of a junior hall monitor drunk on power and unlimited hall tickets.
Detention for daring to question the narrative!
Canadians saw themselves as part of the resistance. Against a mild virus.
Remember when the government called truckers—blue-collar workers who spent months in isolation driving across the godforsaken tundra and Canadian shield—dangerous extremists?
The public nodded again, as if hypnotized swallowing whole one-sided misinformation. Even the facts that came out of POEC has shaken them out of their severe Stockholm Syndrome.
TRUCKERS ENEMY.
"Yes, yes, of course, these honking bastards are the real threat. Please, Daddy Trudeau, make the mean HONK HONK stop!"
A Country With No Spine, No Teeth, and No Fucking Chance
Of course, none of this is technically a dictatorship. Gee, lucky us. But we're on the path.
Look at our "media". There are no true dissenting alternative perspectives or media. Canada seeks to actively suppress speech as Bills C-10-11-18-36 seeks to do. Those are backdoor censorship laws by design. And Canadians still applaud. The government says Facebook threatens "democracy" then it must be true because why would the benevolent and enlightened government lie to people?
Canadians consume Pravda and don't even realize it. It's not normal to have the entire punditry, political and "intellectual classes consistently close ranks. Ir's the hallmark of an authoritarian culture of dullards.
A Canadian in his natural habitat reading "news" carefully curated for its sensitive ego and stomach:
No tanks in the streets. No coups. No big dramatic speeches about crushing dissent. Scratch that. We did squash dissent when RCMP on horse back trampling on an Indigenous woman.
Canada, we're told, is committed to freedom of assembly and the right to protest. As long as it's government approved.
Because Canada didn’t need that. You don’t need force when the people willingly lick the boot.
Here’s the problem with that:
A nation that chooses subservience is no longer a nation. It’s a parking lot waiting to be repurposed.
And Canada? Canada is prime real estate.
- Huge landmass
- Unbelievable natural resources
- No real military
- No deep-seated belief in self-defense
- No fucking clue how the real world works
It’s an empire’s wet dream.
The only reason it hasn’t been scooped up already is that America’s been busy arguing with itself. But the second Washington decides it wants in, Canada won’t resist.
It won’t even notice.
The Soft, Gentle American Takeover
When the annexation happens—and it will happen—there won’t be a war. We're watching the dissolving of Canada in real time.
ITSOKAY we stand on guard for thee!
No invasions. No tanks rolling through Toronto, Montreal, Calgary, or Vancouver.
Just a slow, polite absorption. Ok. There'll be some shrieks of 'Boycott America' and lame attempts at forming guerrillas - WOLVERINES! - but....
A trade deal here.
A “mutual defense agreement” there.
A quiet cultural blending.
You'd be insane to not accept the peace and prosperity Pax Americana is about to embark on. We have to decide if we want in or out of it.
One day, a new tax law will pass that looks suspiciously American.
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338 flappy heads hard at work:
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Then McDonald’s will start taking U.S. dollars only.
Just like that.
Then a handful of MPs will casually suggest that it makes more sense to just... fold Canada into the States.
And nobody will protest.
Nobody will fight. Spill blood when an offer of USD is on the table?
The public will just shrug, take a sip of their double-double, and say, Huh. Weird.
And then they’ll move the fuck on.
Because, in the end, you can’t conquer a country that never really existed in the first place.
It was an interesting experiment. A tiny colony living next to the mightiest empire in history. We were an anomaly; an aberration. America had the grace to let us exist because why not? We posed no threat. We were a flappy headed peaceful kingdom. Then we decided to act like irresponsible teenagers until mom and dad came back home and grounded us.
Everything's changed. Canada's internal weakness is reminiscent of any decaying nation or empire. A nation too weak from within can't defend itself against external aggression.
But it's ok. If we fall we can always take comfort that the history books will record that at least....
We weren't American.